We all know families like this.  The parents are fabulous people whom you adore and yet they have offspring who are regular hellions.  And you shake your head and wonder why.

Finally science might have some answers.

Researchers have spent decades studying what motivates children to behave and can now say exactly what discipline methods work and what don’t: Call it “evidence-based parenting.” Alas, many of parents’ favorite strategies are scientifically proven to fail. “It’s intuitive to scream at your child to change their behavior, even though the research is unequivocal that it won’t work,” says Alan Kazdin, a psychologist who directs the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic.

Scientists have now found eight ways that parents fail.

1)Failing to set limits.  Clear and consistent “rules” regarding what is and is not acceptable behavior.  This one is a personal pet peeve of mine.  I know soooo many parents who are afraid to say no to their children AT ALL.

2) Being overprotective.  Micromanaging your child’s life and not letting them learn from their inevitable mistakes.  Truthfully, I think this one gets more difficult as your children approach the teen years and make some stupid decisions.  So far I have not interceded on my child’s behalf when he can completely handle it on his own.  I have found that discussing it and venting to a friend helps me to feel better.

3) Nagging, Lecturing, and Yelling.  I think we all do this, don’t we?  I suppose the key is to try and not do it.  or at least not make it the sole way that you interact with your children.

4)Praise too much and use the wrong kind of praise.  Saying things like “You are so smart!” instead of “You worked really hard on that project (test, contest, whatever) and it shows!”

5)Punish too harshly.  This is a tough one, isn’t it?  I have a friend who recently grounded her son from all electronics for a month.  No tv, no computer, no video games.  For an entire month.  The first month of summer vacation.  I asked how that was actually going to work and she admitted that it was probably going to be harsher for her than for him, because she was going to have to listen to him whining and complaining every single day.  A month just seems too long to me.

6) Telling their children how to feel by saying things like, “Don’t cry” or “You are fine”  Turns out being empathetic is something that is learned by others being empathetic toward you.

7)Place too high an emphasis on grades and not enough on creativity.  This is another one that is tough, especially when you now your child can do better than they are doing.

They don’t have enough fun with their children.  This one is easy to fix.  I would implore everyone to do one fun spontaneous thing with their children this week.  Something unexpected like an impromptu stop at the ice cream shop after dinner.