Answering Your Questions

May 17, 2009

Moving Away Screen Time to Family Time

Filed under: Children, Ideas, answering your questions, parenting — Chris @ 10:09 am

Well for me, its video games, they will do anything for a new one, i wish they clung to the family more, i think that they have decided their TV screen is their safe haven, i have been trying to tell them to get off that box every once in a while and go take a walk, or play in the park, but they seem to be addicted to it. Any suggestions

I decided to pull this comment out from a recent post. I think many of us face this dilemna with our children, trying to find the balance. I can remember when I was a child growing up, way back in the olden days, my mother was always telling me to go outside and get some fresh air. So this is not a new problem, it is just that the advent of cable television, computers, and video games has made the lure of staying inside that much stronger.

Here is where I will say something that won’t make me popular. In my house I am the parent and I make the rules. If I don’t like what is going on in my house there is no one to change it but me. it is my responsibility. If my kids are spending too much time in front of the tv or playing video games, the answer is for me to turn it off. To not be afraid of saying no.

How many of us as adults have been sucked into our computers only to emerge a few hours later, blurry eyed and wondering if we really just spent those hours watching you tube videos of Land of the Lost, Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, and assorted music videos from the 80’s. Not that I have any first hand knowledge of that, ahem.

But my point is that even as adults that know better, we sometimes have trouble finding a balance. Our children need our guidance.

Set a good example. Be a role model. Want your children to go outside? Go outside with them. Go to a park. Take a walk. Ride a bike. My little kids love it when I ride one of their scooters around the neighborhood with them. I may look ridiculous, but they love it.

Set time limits. Yes, you can play your beloved video games. But there are rules. Same with television viewing. Decide what is right for you and your family and don’t be afraid to stick to it. Yes, there will be whining and complaining. But once you get past that it will be better.

Try having a family game night. Spend time together doing something you love. Maybe your family is artsy and you’d all enjoy creating artwork together. Or playing board games or cards. Do you enjoy cooking? I don’t know any chidlren who don’t like dessert. Maybe have one night a week where your children are responsible for creating a delicous dessert for the family. (Personally, I really like this idea and may have to begin it at my house post haste)

In the end, you as the parent are respsonsible for creating the family life that you want.

Comments (1)

May 6, 2009

Charging the Neediness Batteries

Filed under: Children, Making It Work, answering your questions, parenting — Chris @ 8:14 am

I am pulling this from the comment section on a recent post:

I’m raising a large family and working out of my home. It is very challenging I’m finding tempers flying lately mine. Any help would be great. I have 4 kids 9,7,4 and a 18 months old .We are having problems listening, yelling,manners, hitting siblings and bedtime with my youngest

Oh, Diane, I hear you. Trust me on this one.

What I have found is that when my children are acting out and misbehaving is that I usually have to look to myself first. My behaviors and actions really do set the tone for the entire house. What is that old saying? If Mama ain’t happy, nobody is happy. Ouch. But true.

The simple answer is PLANNING! PLANNING! PLANNING! Did I mention planning? And probably lowering some of your expectations. I am not sure of your exact situation, but many times I forget how young my older children really are. I am sure you have had the experience of looking at your youngest children and thinking, “Wow, when my oldest was that age I expected x, y, z behavior. Whereas my youngest still seems like a baby now!”

Of course no answer is truly simple. Implementing changes, even when you know that they are for the best is difficult.

Come in closer and I will tell you a secret… I make lists.

I make doing something with my children a priority on my list. Yes, I usually write a list, particularly when I am feeling overwhelmed. To me feeling overwhelmed hampers my ability to prioritize and make good decisions. So I will write on the top of my list, before the chores and such, “Go outside and jump rope with the children,” or whatever it is that they have been wanting me to do. Sometimes it is play a board game which makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out with a blunt butter knife, but they enjoy it so. The game playing, not eyeball gouging.

If I spend some time upfront with my children they are more accepting of giving me some space so I can do work later on uninterrupted. It’s like charging up their neediness batteries. After spending some quality time with me they are charged up and ready to play independently for a while. If they know that they will have their fun time with me at some point they are also willing to be somewhat accommodating if I have to say not now.

It sounds so simple. So easy. But I still struggle with it some days, especially with the school aged children who I often feel should know better and be able to exist independently for longer periods of time.

Comments (1)

July 3, 2008

What Are Those Keys?

Filed under: answering your questions, using handipoints — Chris @ 8:26 am

Sara writes:

My kids are enjoying decorating their houses, but are having trouble with some parts. How do they get rid of an item if they accidentally bought it? Also, what are the “keys” for that are next to some of the items? Some items have a “price” and others have a key. I tried to click on the help button, but it wasn’t working….

Each key represents a designated amount of handipoints. To buy the keys:

1) Log in

2) Click on the Savings Goals tab on the upper right of your screen

3) This will bring up several categories of goals. Click on the keys

4) Parents are the ones who pay for these keys using the amazon check out. They are not very expensive and are used to unlock premium costumes and hidden features in HandiLand.

As far as what to do if you bought an item by mistake, I don’t think that there is a way to “unbuy” something. Tell the kids to be careful what they click on!

Comments (6)

April 15, 2008

Getting Children to Do Chores

Filed under: Children, Keeping It Real, Making It Work, answering your questions, parenting — Chris @ 7:58 am

I have a question for you. Hope that is okay.
I find myself at night wondering what I can do to really make the house run a little smoother and have the kids really take a more active roll in keeping the house clean (this is done on most occasions, but it takes a lot of negotiating before they finally do something). Anyway, I was just looking for a little advice in this department when you have some extra time.

I think the key to having any chore system work is to stick with it. Even though that sounds like such trite and easy advice, we all know that it is very easy to let things slide and the next thing you know your kids aren’t cleaning up their own stuff, mom is feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and the children are balking at helping out.

In my house we are a team. I tell my children that if they all help out we can do the things that need to be done more quickly and then have time for other fun things. Are there times that they refuse to help or stall? Of course, they are children not trained circus animals.

But the consequences of not helping are logical, natural consequences. Want me to play a game? Sorry I had to clean up the entire kitchen alone and now it is too late. You didn’t want to pick your Legos up off of the floor? Sorry, they are now inside the vacuum if you want them you should go sort through the debris in the canister and retrieve them.

Children have to be shown how to do household tasks many times before they are ready to do it themselves. Telling your nine year old to clean up the family room will not mean the same thing to her as it does to you. Sending her off to with the order to “Clean Up!” without instruction will just result in frustration for both of you. Ask me how I know this, better yet, don’t ask.

Break the chore down into small manageable pieces and do it with her until she knows exactly what to do. At first it may seem like it is more trouble than it is worth, but if you stick it out the payoff will be there, for both of you.

Children like to please us. They like to feel important and like a contributing member of the team. So above all praise, praise, praise. Tell them what a good job they did, overlook the things that weren’t done exactly how you would like them. A little positive reinforcement goes a long way.

And don’t forget that earning Handipoints to spend in Handiland is a great motivator for children. And it also takes you out of the equation a little bit more. If they don’t do the chore and check it off on their chart, then they don’t earn the points. Seeing it in black and white (or on the color computer screen) makes it real for them.

Good luck! And the next time my head threatens to spin around on my shoulders, I am going to try to remember my own advice.

Comments (8)

February 13, 2008

What Age Should Allowance Start?

Filed under: Allowance, Basics, Children, answering your questions — Chris @ 11:02 am

At what age did you start allowance? Mine are 4 and 2. In your universe I’d give $ to my 4 yo, what about the 2 yo? What happens when 4 yo wants to spend his money and 2 yo doesn’t have any? Argh, the complications … right now no one gets anything

Well, my 3 and 4 year old children do get an allowance, but mostly it is because they have older siblings and we didn’t want them to feel left out. When my oldest children were that age they didn’t get an allowance. I really didn’t even consider it.

Having said that, since we do not give cash, but rather put the money into a bank account, I don’t see any reason not to start. We also put any birthday or holiday money they get from friends and relatives into their accounts. My kids have loved seeing the balance grow.

I encourage long term saving. We do not run out every week with fists full of dollar bills looking for things on which to spend money. Being able to see that one weeks worth of chores gets them x number of dollars. They are able to figure out how many weeks of chores they will need to do to earn enough money for an item they want. Funny how suddenly having to do chores for a month to get a toy, usually makes the toy less desirable.

Isn’t that one of our goals as parents to raise discerning consumers?

Comments (10)

February 12, 2008

Allowance

Filed under: Allowance, Basics, Children, Chores, answering your questions — Chris @ 3:19 pm

Oh there are so many differing schools of thought on allowance. Whether or not it should be tied to chores, just given freely, or even if it should be given at all.

I think that having a small amount of money is helpful in teaching them how to budget and save for things.

At my house allowance isn’t directly tied to chores. Each child gets half of their age in dollars each week. So my 13 year old get $6.50 while my 4 year old gets $2. It is their money free and clear, to do (mostly) whatever they desire with it. I do sometimes say no, but that is mostly with the littler kids who would like to spend every cent they have on candy. My older children have been very good about saving their money for things that they really want.

If I ask them to do special chores that are above and beyond the scope of their normal activity I will sometimes offer a monetary incentive. In the fall when we were doing the endless leave cleaning up, I offered $5 for anyone who would help. I was out there doing it with them.

My oldest two sons will also do small amounts of babysitting for me. I never pay them for this, but will bring them home an occasional treat, like a couple tins of Altoids or a special coffee or hot chocolate from Dunkin’ Donuts. Just a little something that shows them that I appreciate them. I think when all is said and done that is what most of us want, children or adults, is to be recognized and appreciated.

Comments (7)

January 23, 2008

Another Question From The Comments

Filed under: Basics, answering your questions, using handipoints — Chris @ 1:41 pm

In the comment section of the previous post, Viva, the owner of the Handipoints site, asked:

Curious to hear what parents think about the idea of adding the feature of restricting time spent in HandiLand by deducting points automatically? For example, in order to enter HandiLand or play a game in HandiLand, kids would have to spend some of their purple Bonus Points.

I thought this was important to bring out as a post all its own.

So, what do you think? Would you want some sort of imposed time restriction on the Handiland site?

Can I say what I think?

I don’t like this idea. I prefer to be the one who decides how long my child can or can not play a computer game. Some days I allow them to play longer, if it is a rainy day, or one of those reallllllllllllly long evenings that we have in the middle of winter, or as a special priviledge.

I would wonder if the points would be good for a certain length of time? What if your child had to get up in the middle to go to the bathroom, or they didn’t use all of the time… would it be saved for the next time they logged in? What if they were in the middle of a game and the time ran out?

I don’t know, to me it seems like needlessly complicating things.

But, the site owners would love to know what you think as the users of the site. Would this be a feature that you would utilize or even be interested in? Leave a comment and let them know.

Comments (15)

October 19, 2007

But It’s Everyone Else…

Filed under: Children, Ideas, answering your questions — Chris @ 8:54 am

What do your kids get for holidays & birthdays?

Oh, this is a great question.

First let’s start with the birthday parties. Where I live is is extremely common for those invited to a class party not to give presents, but instead bring a donation to the charity of their choice. In the past we have been asked to bring canned goods for a food pantry, gloves and hats for a shelter, backpacks for supplies for children entering foster care, shoes for another charity. I believe we even had one where we brought stuff for a local animal shelter.

Most of our children do not need anything, especially not a $10 plastic toy that is going to sit unused. It is that sort of wastefulness drives me bonkers. I would highly recommend this route to anyone who is still doing the traditional invite ten friends over for a birthday party. The children feel good about themselves, even the birthday child. I am all about giving of ourselves as charity. Now you can buy your child the present that they really desire. But I think you will find that when you bring your child to drop off the donations, the praise that they receive is probably enough to bring them into a lifetime of giving.

Family is a tougher sell. I explicitly tell my family what to buy. I will even suggest they pool their money to buy a favorite thing, like a nice wooden pirate ship. I have told them that we were going to start collecting a certain toy and encouraged them to get onboard with it. Ever price those huge Brio train sets? When family members all contribute a piece it isn’t so bad.

If your family would be offended by that, think about consumables. What about art supplies, paints, markers, nice paper, and easel? My mother-in-law and sister-in-law bought my two oldest sons a table and chair set that I had picked out, and we still have 11 years later. Or the latest movie on DVD, or an iTunes giftcard.

Memberships to museums, the YMCA, clubs, etc are great. I call them the gift that keeps on giving. And grandparents will especially love this if they can be included on the trips or sent photos of their grandchildren enjoying the places.

Does your child have a desire to learn a musical instrument? Ask close family if they would like to pay for the lessons or if they are flush with cash buy the instrument. What about sports equipment? Bats, gloves, hockey sticks, skis, tennis rackets, basketball hoop, bicycles, scooters… the list is endless.

I always tell our family that there are the presents that the kids go wild over on Christmas day and then there are the ones that go quietly unnoticed until a few days have passed and the newness has worn off of the latest greatest dumb thing. Hello, Tickle Me Elmo, I am talking to you. Wouldn’t they rather give the present that is truly enjoyed and appreciated long term?

My final suggestion would be to practice what you preach. Are you buying junky toys for your nieces and nephews? Give the sort of presents that you would hope to receive. Think about buying a couple things from a craft store and then adding a gift card into the birthday card so they can add to the art supplies.

Finally, don’t feel that just because someone gave you or your child a present that you have to keep it. A present is an expression of love. Giving away the gift to charity or someone else does not lessen the sentiment.

Comments (4)

October 17, 2007

Toys, toys, toys

Filed under: Basics, Making It Work, answering your questions, parenting — Chris @ 11:12 pm

When it comes to toys, I fully embrace the less is more philosophy.

A couple of months ago a friend of mine stopped by my house with her husband in tow. Funny thing about my friends’ husbands, in the world I live in husbands are sort of like unicorns, you believe they exist, yet you never really see them.

All of my friends are SAHM or WAHM, and all of the husbands work at offices away from the house. So while I might know all the details of my friends’ spouses, their hobbies, their likes and dislikes, maybe even their choice of underwear (yes I have had this conversation, more than once, and I can only think it came up because of a shopping expedition), I would be hard pressed to pick any of them out of a line up.

So when my friend stopped over, her husband had not been to my house in over 4 years. he was interested to see all the work that we had done to the house in the intervening time. And after walking around, he said, “But where are all of your toys?”

I had laughed and he said, “No. I am being serious. Where are all of your toys?”

The truth is we don’t have a lot of toys. I despise toys that “do” things and offer no opportunity for open ended play. This includes most toddler toys that require batteries. Therefore there is not a ton of colorful plastic stuff lying around my house.

So what do we have?

Wooden blocks, lots of them. You can not fully use your imagination and build with a 30 block set. 300 blocks? that can build anything your imagination desires. And they stack neatly on the lower shelf of a bookcase.

Lincoln Logs and Tinker Toys. Same thing, lots of them. These don’t get as much play as other building toys that we have. I store these in a huge rubbermaid bin and pull them out once in awhile. The allure of a “new” toy occupies them for a few days to a week, before I pack it back up and put it away again. Not every toy has to be readily available at all times.

K’nex (great for older children who like to follow directions and build complicated things) I recommend buying a large set that comes with an instruction book to build many different things from a single set. Much like the Tinker Toys and Lincoln Logs these are not sitting out in the open waiting to be scattered or have valuable pieces lost. I bring them out when requested.

Brio Builder. This is a hands down favorite with my preschool and young elementary school aged children. Unfortunately you cannot buy them in the US any longer. Why? I have no idea. You can still but them on ebay sometimes or make an impromptu trip to Europe and pick some up. No?

Legos. I don’t even need to mention these do I?

But the thing with all of our toys is that they can all be stored neatly and efficiently in baskets and bins. Those baskets and bins can be placed on bookshelves. Everything has a place, and that place is not lining the walls of my family room, or scattered on my floor. You’d be surprised how much better children can play when there are less choices and less clutter surrounding them.

Comments (10)

October 8, 2007

Instilling the Chore Habit

Filed under: Children, Chores, Work Ethic, answering your questions — Chris @ 8:13 am

I was on the phone chatting with a friend a few weeks ago when my 12 year old came over and asked if he could carry his clean laundry up to his room and put it away.

“Sure,” I had said and went on to continue my conversation.

My friend interrupted, “Wait a minute. Did he just ask if he could put his laundry away? Of his own free will, he is going to put his laundry away?”

I had laughed.

“No, I am serious. You must blog about your secret,” she said.

I assured her that I have no secret. Yet every time I have spoken with her since she asks me when I am going to blog about it.

Last night I really started thinking about it, both why it seems odd that my son would willingly do chores and why he does so. I can only guess that it is because we have instilled in the children from an early age that chores are part of life in our family. That you pitch in and help because you are a part of the team.

From the earliest ages we have our children contribute. My two year old helps clean up the table, carry plates to the sink, sweep the floor. Though his “help” often isn’t really help and makes more work for me, and though I sometimes cringe when he tosses a breakable plate into the sink, expecting his help now means that he will just grow up accustom to to helping out.

As a funny aside, in every restaurant that we were in on our vacation he would take his napkin and brush all the crumbs off of the table onto the floor and ask, “Where is the sink?” or “Where is the garbage can?” He was incredulous that someone else, the waitress, was going to do his job.

So for my older children there is no question in their minds about whether or not they will help or do chores that I ask of them. Does this mean that they are perfect and gladly skip around the house with dust rags and mops, singing song while they work? Of course not! They are children, or maybe I should more accurately say that they are human. Does anyone really enjoy mopping the kitchen floor or cleaning the toilet? Sometimes they moan, or complain, heck sometimes I do too, but in the end they do their jobs and move on. No bribery, yelling, cajoling, threatening is required.

Start the chore habit early when they actually want to help and it will become a habit for life.