Humor Keeps Me Sane | Mommy Points

August 20, 2009

Makes Me Think

Filed under: Children, Humor Keeps Me Sane, Keeping It Real — Chris @ 6:56 am

I have laryngitis. Horribly, awful, laryngitis. The sort where even whispering is difficult. This has led to a couple of hilarious things happening around my house.

First, I have noticed that since I can’t talk above a whisper, everyone gets really close to talk to me and they whisper right back. They are way more attentive to what I am saying. It makes me think I should just incorporate talking softly into my life. Though who am I kidding, I am a loud mouth at heart.

Second, because I sound horrible my kids think that I must feel really, really sick. So they keep saying things to each other like, “Don’t make Mom talk, can’t you see how sick she is!” And they have volunteered themselves to do all sorts of things around the house for me. It makes me think that all the talks of being kind, helpful, and teaching them how to do chores has paid off. Even thought there have been times over the years that I have been tempted to throw in the proverbial towel and allow them all to go feral.

Third, somewhat related. One of my young sons asked me if I was sick because I “have puberty.” Not sure where he heard the word but it was hysterical. I told him I was fairly certain I was long over puberty. Of course this led to more questions about what puberty is. And I got to whisper all about it while they sat right in my face. And whispered back. In the end we all concluded that their teenage brothers are the ones who are “sick with puberty.”

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May 1, 2009

The Neighbor Kids, Again

Filed under: Children, Humor Keeps Me Sane, Just For Fun, Keeping It Real — Chris @ 8:16 am

So somehow our house has become playground central. Which really is fine most of the time. I like having all the kids over here. I like hearing what they are up to, what games they are playing, just getting to know them all. And you know what? I really like kids. They are all good kids. There are a couple that might be a bit rougher around the edges than I like, but I see this as an opportunity to model the sort of kind, compassionate behavior that would better serve them in life.

In an effort not to go broke handing snacks out the entire neighborhood I bought those ice pops that come in the plastic sleeve. You know that ones that I mean? I am sure that they have a name, but we just refer to them as ice pops. They had them on sale at the grocery store a box of 100 for under $3. That is a small price to pay to keep all the neighborhood kids happy. None of the other neighbors hand out snacks, why should they I guess since I always am!

Our neighborhood is really big on sharing. All the kids play with each others toys. At the end of the day if there are toys in my driveway that don’t belong to us I just stick them in my garage. I know that the next day the owner will come over and find it.

Everyone gently reprimands the kids should they need it. I have no qualms with someone telling one of my children to stop whatever it is they might be doing, nor do I have any hesitation about doing the same to one of the other children. it really is a fabulous community and we are blessed to have found it.

Now if I could just convince all of the kids that doing yard work is REALLY REALLY a fun game and they should all do it. Weeding… it is the new jump rope.

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April 1, 2009

Are You An April Fool?

Filed under: Humor Keeps Me Sane, Just For Fun — Chris @ 9:12 am

What kid doesn’t love April Fools Day?

I remember when I was in kindergarten it was the first time I had ever heard of April Fools Day. I went up to my teacher at school and very excitedly told her that there was a spider on her shoulder. And when she looked I shouted, “April Fools!”

That was probably the extent of my April Fool jokes.

My children have done things like put an elastic band on the spray nozzle at the sink so that when you turn the water on it sprays all over you. Or filled the sugar bowl with salt so that first morning cup of coffee is surprising.

If you want to be more creative, Family Fun has the ultimate list of April Fools Day pranks. By far my favorite ones are the food pranks. Probably because I am not very creative in that area. I can barely make regular food! I am bookmarking the Chicken Not-a-Pie for next year. My kids will never suspect that one. I am rubbing my hands together and cackling in anticipation.

What about a fake chore chart? Sounds perfect for Handipoints fans. Suggested “chores include:

1. Take out trash on Wednesdays
2. Set table every other night
3. Lick 100 stamps for paying bills
4. Clear dishes from dinner table
5. Trim grass in front yard with a pair of fingernail clippers
6. Make your bed each morning before school
7. Balance the family checkbook
8. Wash all your clothes by hand and hold them outside until they are dry
9. Vacuum the house each Saturday
10. Set your alarm for 12 a.m. Please deliver a midnight snack to everyone in the household
11. Help decide the weekend dinner menu
12. Collect aluminum cans from all the neighbors and recycle them for your lunch money

I think mixing in some normal chores makes the list seem more believable.

And finally, what about printing a brochure for Chore Camp and giving it your child. I loved this one. And my children really believed it was true because I stuck it in the mailbox with all of our mail.

Have you had any creative April Fools Day pranks?

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December 2, 2008

Tis the Season for Crafts

Filed under: Children, Humor Keeps Me Sane, Just For Fun, parenting — Chris @ 8:58 am

We do way more crafts during the holiday season than we do collectively at any other time during the year. I think partly this is because I see way more prepackaged craft out there just waiting to be plucked up and brought home at this time of year.

Last year at the end of the season, I remember buying this little angel craft kit on deep deep clearance. I brought it home and stuck it in a cabinet. I saw it sitting there weekly for the entire year. Last weekend I was busy doing things around the house and my 5yr old daughter was complaining that she had nothing to do. I remembered the craft kit and brought it out and handed it to her.

I didn’t have time to show her step by step how to exactly do the craft. And I will fully admit that initially it pained my anal retentive self to know that they were not going to turn out perfectly.

But then I saw them all lined up on the window sill and I thought they were the most adorable angels ever.

Some of them were done more or less the way that they were supposed to have been done.

But these? These made me laugh out loud. And they still do when I look over at the bikini top wearing angels. And the crooked smile on the one wearing a “sundress.”

The lesson here? Sometimes it is better to step out of the way of your children and let them be creative on their own terms.

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September 26, 2008

I Share Because I Love

Filed under: Humor Keeps Me Sane — Chris @ 1:10 am

I am frequently asked this question, about a variety of things in my life.

And I hate to say it, but there is no secret. I think that most of the time we realize this and understand that there is no miracle. Though we wish for a burning bush to magically speak to us and show us the way to clutter free home and a perfect body, without having to do any work of course.

The secret to losing weight? Well moving more and eating less calories. There is no secret pill going to make us all magically fit and trim.

The secret to a flat stomach? Well, never having your stomach stretched out to accommodate a watermelon would be a start. As would be doing sit ups. I strike out on both accounts. I have enough extra skin on my stomach to make a suit of skin for a whole ‘nother person. Remember that serial killer in Silence of the Lambs? He could have just had my stomach and never had to kill anyone, though I suppose that would not have been the point.

The secret to being wrinkle free at 40? Genetics and a life spent living in cave without sunlight.

The secret to a clean house? Uh, cleaning it? Never letting it get to the point where it is too messy to clean up easily.

The same goes for cooking dinner, organizing things, and –the bane of my existence– keeping up with laundry…

But still it doesn’t stop all of us, me included, from searching for that miracle pill, the perfect system that will revolutionize our existence, a panacea that requires no expended effort.

Today I have a real secret to share.

You know how in the winter when you wear a hat you are faced with hair that stands up like you are clutching an electric ball. To prevent this I keep a dryer sheet in my coat pocket. When I take off my hat I rub the dryer sheet surreptitiously on my head.

Yes, I may look like a sweaty old bald man shining his head when I do this, but no fly away hair clinging to my face. And that makes it worth it.

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September 22, 2008

September Is National Disaster Preparedness Month

Filed under: Humor Keeps Me Sane, Ideas, Keeping It Real — Chris @ 10:50 pm

Not all of us live in areas where we are going to be hit by tornadoes, tsunamis, or flash flooding. But most of us will at one time or another experience a situation where our comforts that we expect living in the 21st century, are stripped away.

Maybe just for a day or two, but our level of preparedness can make the difference between having an “adventure” or being a complete embarrassment to our pioneer ancestors. I’ll admit it right here, it is a good thing that I was born during the century that I was.

I am a wimp.

I live in an area where winter storms frequently knock out power for extended periods of time. I am furiously knocking on wood as I type this because it has been a few years since we have lost power for an extended number of days.

In the winter, the icy cold frigid winter, of 2003 we had a snow storm that knocked out power to our entire area for 6 days. Six long LONG days.

You have heard it said that what doesn’t kill you, teaches you something. Oh, let me share my wisdom:

When there is a widespread power outage, none of the gas pumps will be working. So if you only have a small bit of gas in your car, a usual occurrence here at my house, you will be stuck at home.

If you have a well, like our house at the time did, you will not have running water. You will, however, try to turn the water on several times a day as well as flush the toilet.

Your electric stove won’t work. (Duh.)

Your outdoor grill might be buried under a couple feet of frozen snow.

You will not be able to find matches. And going out to the car, starting it, pushing in the cigarette lighter so that you can light a rolled up piece of paper to light your camp stove, will NOT be fun. Especially when it burns down to your fingers and you have to drop it before ever lighting anything.

You will gladly trade one of your small children for a small percolator so you can make coffee in the morning on your camp stove.

You will need that coffee and wine more than ever before. Maybe simultaneously.

Have a corkscrew handy.

When there is a storm brewing, make sure that you have batteries for all of your flashlights. Lighters or matches, and candles are also very good.

What have we done to prepare?

1) We bought large kerosene heaters and make sure to always have plenty of kerosene on hand during the winter.

2) When there are storms coming in we make sure that our cars are filled up with gas.

3) Camp stove and camping gear (sleeping bags) are easily accessible. (And fuel for the cook stove so you aren’t eating dry raman noodles)

4) Fill up all tubs with water, for washing, flushing toilets

5) Make sure that we have food to eat that does not require cooking or refrigeration. Things like those individual cups of Raman are always good to have on hand since you only pour boiling water into the cup and it cook right there.

6) Get some disposable plates and silverware. Since you may not be able to wash anything, do you want to have it piling up? I don’t.

7) I JUST bought a crank battery operated weather radio last winter. So that when our power goes out and there is three feet of snow on the ground I can turn on my radio and find out that there is three feet of snow on the ground.

So those are my tips for small disasters, though that is probably too strong of a word to describe the times when my power is out and I can not access the internet or vacuum for 36 hours.

FEMA has a disaster supply list of things that every family should consider having on hand. Most of these things I already have in my first aid kits. But look over their website, it is chockfull of information that might be appropriate for you and your family.

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September 20, 2008

Things I Wonder

Filed under: Children, Humor Keeps Me Sane, parenting — Chris @ 8:54 am

1) Why can’t anyone replace the toilet paper when they use it up and why can’t the child who frantically screams for me from the bathroom throw away the empty toilet paper tube? Are we saving them in a pile behind the bathroom door for a reason?

2) Why in one week will some of my children accrue three weeks worth of dirty clothing in the laundry baskets, yet have only one pair of underwear?

3) Why my children think the rule about no shoes upstairs doesn’t apply to them if they are just “running up there real quick” because clearly the dirt on your shoes will know this?

4) Why, when my children make themselves sandwiches, or bagels, or basically anything, the person who got the stuff out doesn’t put it away because other people still need it, but the last child who uses it doesn’t put it away because he didn’t get it out?

5) Why no one can remove and replace the garbage bag and instead keep shoving garbage into the garbage can when it is overflowing? And then PRETEND they didn’t notice it was overflowing?

6) Disappearing socks. ‘nuf said.

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July 31, 2008

Not All You Ever Wanted

Filed under: Humor Keeps Me Sane, parenting — Chris @ 5:15 am

This just in… vacations are work!

Okay any of us that are mothers already know this. In fact, I recently wrote that in my next life I want to come back as the father who honestly doesn’t get why vacationing is a lot of work. And don’t even get me started on camping. That is like moving house to a more primitive setting. Just how many modern conveniences can we take away from you and still have you able to function. No bathrooms? No running water? Cooking over an open fire? Yeah, I don’t come from a lone of hearty pioneer folk. Our idea of roughing it is the 4 star hotel.

In a recent column in Newsweek, Kathy Deveny writes about the mythical family vacation. She shares her memories of long car trips she took with her family as a kid.

Unencumbered by seat belts, my brother and I roamed into each other’s carefully guarded back-seat territory and bickered until one of our parents lost it. We stopped at motels with pools and ate “picnic” dinners in front of the TV. But they’re some of the best memories of my childhood. (”I don’t remember it quite so fondly,” says my mom.)

Turns out the time honored family vacation as we know it did not evolve until the 1950’s when post WWII prosperity made it possible. Before then Mom’s did not have to take the entire “show on the road.”

Even though I like to complain, I still enjoy family vacations. If only because everyone else is having fun and I can live vicariously through them.

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July 8, 2008

Risk

Filed under: Humor Keeps Me Sane, Keeping It Real — Chris @ 10:58 pm

You know what love is?

Buying your child, who loves board games, possibly the most boring, longest lasting, did I mention boring game in the history of all board games. And then playing it with him.

Even though his love for board games rivals your very own hatred of them.

Even though it makes you want to give yourself a full frontal lobotomy with the nearest dull instrument.

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May 25, 2008

Making A Book

Filed under: Ages 5-6 years, Humor Keeps Me Sane, Just For Fun — Chris @ 9:00 am

The other day I saw my daughter sitting at the table with her markers. She told me that she was making a book.

In case you can’t read it clearly, the page says: BEARS, RACCOONS, MICE, RATS, BULLS, BUMBLEBEES. Complete with thumbnail drawings. I suppose to help you recognize these things, though all the drawings look oddly similar.

What you never noticed the striking resemblance between a bear and a bumblebee? I especially love the horn on the bull, which really looks like an antenna.

And what could the title of this book possibly be?

ANIMALS YOU SHOULD NOT TOUCH

Sounds like pretty good advice to me.

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