The prevailing parenting wisdom of our time is that children should be punished by using things like time-outs and rewarded with praise.  All of the so-called experts recommend this approach.  It pretty much sums up the way parent.  I ignore a lot of things, one could argue withholding my affection, set consequences for unwanted behavior when there are no natural consequences, and lavishly praise when it is deserved.

In an article in the New York Times, author Alfie Kohn asserts that  by withholding love and praise when a child does something wrong is conditional parenting, i.e. I only love you when you are doing what I want you to do.  The primary message of all types of conditional parenting is that children must earn a parent’s love.

Hmmm, I never thought about it that way.  And, for the record, I am not sure that I buy it anyway. 

I do respect Alfie kohn and loved his book Punished By Rewards, the theme of which is that doing a job well should be its own reward.  Isn’t that something that our mother’s used to say to us?  But nowadays children are rewarded at every turn and there is compelling evidence that shows the more you reward someone for their behavior the less likely they are to perform when there isn’t a reward.  Our children have become conditioned to expect a prize for doing things that they should  be doing anyway.   And while I can rant on and on about this, removing perceived rewards from everyday parenting is pretty near impossible, at least for me. 

His latest article in the NY Times is just another variation of this theme.  It has given me a lot to think about, not that time outs are leaving our home anytime soon.  Neither are the consequences imposed for bad grades or rude behavior.  The article points out that while children raised this way (most children?) are more compliant and obedient as children they grow up to like their parents less.  Ouch!  Isn’t that one of those things you secretly fear?  Though honestly I want my children to respect me, to love me, to one day understand where I was coming from, but I don’t have any real desire to be their friend. 

One of the rules in our home is  no phone calls or texting after 10:00pm.  It seems absurdly reasonable to me.  Not so to my teenagers who think it is  none of my business.  We go around and around with the same dialog every few days.  They tell me how mean I am.  I tell them the reasons for my decision.  They reiterate how mean I am.  I threaten to show them exactly what mean is, MISTER.  They roll their eyes.  I remind them who pays the bills.  It is loads of fun, you should try it in your own home.

I wonder what Alfie Kohn would say about it.

Just when you think the only thing on the news is bad news and that the world is filled with evil people, you come across a feel good story like this.

The Maryville Spoofhounds could have won their high school football game against the Cardinals 46-0, but they let the other team score.

Matt Ziesel is a freshman with Downs Syndrome who has sat on the bench while the rest of his team plays.   The coach of the Cardinals approached the coach of the opposing team and asked him for a favor.  Would  he allow Matt to make a touchdown.  The outcome of the game would remain the same, but really what those  boys learned on that field that day will remain with them for the rest of their lives.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78OlZfo76hg

I dare you not to feel all warm and fuzzy watching this video.  And kudos to the coach and players of the Maryville Spoofhounds for showing what kindness, compassion, and sportsmanship is all about.

There is some sort of monster that lives in my house that eats my children’s socks. 

Honestly, that is the only explanation I have for the disappearance.  Every morning I have at least one child whining that they can’t find their socks.  And the laundry is all caught up and folded.  The socks are all in their basket.  But the “good” socks are no where to be found. 

What exactly is the definition of “good?”  It is whatever socks the child has deemed their favorites, shunning all five million other pair that are still perfectly growing dusty in the sock basket. 

It is enough to make me crazy.  Or crazier, as the case may be.

And I have a feeling the sock eating monster snacks on pens as well.

On Friday my daughter’s first grade class had an after-school field trip to see the movie, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.  A movie which does not bear any resemblance to the book, by the way.  The movie is a quasi-cautionary tale about processed foods, a science experiment gone wrong.   That went right over my daughter’s head.

She did, however, notice that the movie was very different than the book and it sparked a discussion about books versus movies and which are better.  For the most part the kids all agreed that the books are better than the movies with some notable exceptions:  Shrek, The Polar Express and Jumanji.  Those are three of our all time favorite movies in our family, and like Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs the movies are only loosely based on the books. 

There are a couple of movies that made me want to scream and throw things at the screen.  Stuart Little was one of them, hated that movie.  Probably because I had such fond memories of reading that book as a child. 

I probably notice it even more often with adult fiction turned into movies.  When I read books that I love, I have such vivid pictures in my head of how the characters should look that I am often disappointed and unable to look past the actor.   My older kids were sorely disappointed by the movie Eragon.  They had loved the book and the movie takes many liberties with the storyline.  They had begged me to buy the DVD and I think they watched it once.

I recently dropped off a bunch of stuff at Goodwill.  My word, I do not know how we accumulate so much stuff. 

Since we were there, I went inside to look over the book collection.  That is my favorite thing about Goodwill, the large, ever changing book collection.  Not to mention the fact that the books are dirt cheap.  Hard cover books for $1?  Paperbacks for 50 cents?  How can you pass that up?  You can’t.

None of these books is particularly new to the market, except the guide to feeding your family which is brand new.  Most people have probably already read them, I am always late to the game

The Kite Runner

Feed Your Family for $75 a Week  (the author of this one is Mary Ostyn a great friend and fellow blogger)

The Wishing Year

The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid  (How much do I love Bill Bryson.  He never fails to make me laugh out loud.)

Cold Mountain

Blessings

And then there is a stack of Magic Treehouse Books that my son is working his way through during his independent reading every night.  I let him lay on my bed to read.  He felt like laying on his  own bed to read was a punishment, like he was being sent to bed.  But sitting in the family room proved to be too distracting for him.  I am not even going to tell you how many nights I go into my room to tell him that he can stop reading and find him sound asleep.

So, tell me, what books are you reading?  Have any good ones you are just dying to tell other people about?  Maybe a book that isn’t on the best seller list, but should be!  I am almost done reading my little stack of books and can use some recommendations.

My mother-in-law has said to me that being a parent now is more difficult than when she was parenting her children.  She said that 40 years ago keeping them healthy, fed and clothed was enough.  There wasn’t any pressure, or desire, to be a Supermom.  She says that now she sees young mothers worried about so many things she just doesn’t understand. 

Her children say that she was a great mother, but she never played with them, or brought them to enrichment type activities.  She was  pretty hands-off.  Vacations or weekends did not revolve around the children and what they wanted to do.  Children played with children and the adults hung out with the adults.  Now adults are expected to play with their children, to entertain them.

For the record, I rarely play.

One of the things that I consciously chose to do differently than my parents is to take my children’s feelings seriously.  I don’t minimize their feelings.  I distinctly remember being a child and having my parents tell me to stop feeling whatever it was I was feeling whether  it was being sad, or angry, or happy. 

I also tolerate a lot more discussion on things than my parents ever would have– they would have called it answering back.  Though I remember my mother saying the same thing when she was raising me, that her mother strictly adhered to the philosophy that children should be seen and not heard.

I never had chores growing up, my children most definitely have chores.  I never had an allowance, my children do.  I had no choice in my extra curricular activites, my children are allowed to choose.  I took piano lessons I hated for years.

What about you?  Do you parent your children differently than the way that you were parented?    Or do you use your parents as a yardstick to try and measure  up to?

We are  on day four of non-stop rain here.  That might not seem like a lot of inclimate weather to most of you, but I live on the face of the sun and we are not used to rain here.  We are not used to being cooped up indoors.  We are not used to this thing called mud.  We are used to sunshine and swimming in pools and eating popsicles.  That is what we do for fun.  And by we I mean my children.  My idea of fun on the face of the sun involves much more air conditioning and fruity drinks with little umbrellas.

So today on day four of non stop rain my 4 yr old son and I sat and stared at each other for awhile.  My suggestions for fun activities such as organize mommy’s closet, clean toilets, or pay the bills so we can keep enjoying our electricity, were met with as much disgust as a four year old can muster.

So I did what any desperate parent does, I searched online for ideas.  Just so you know, 4 yr old boys are NOT interested in perusing the JCrew website.  I know, it was shocking to me also.

1) Treasure hunt: Ooooooh, my kids  love this.  I usually just hide one small toy in a room and they have to find it.  Sort of like hide and seek but not with a person. 

2) Wash dishes: Let’s just say that all my tupperware is very clean.  And possibly still soapy.

3) Set up an obstacle course inside.  My kids love these too.  Especially if I will time them.  In fact, they love to do anything more if it can be timed. 

4) Make some playdough.

• 1 cup flour
• 1 cup warm water
• 2 teaspoons cream of tartar
• 1 teaspoon oil
• 1/4 cup salt
• food coloring

Mix all ingredients, adding food coloring last. Stir over medium heat until smooth. Remove from pan and knead until blended smooth. Place in plastic bag or airtight container when cooled.
5) Make a fort out of blankets.  And then eat lunch inside of it.

6) Bake a cake.  Just because. 

7) Play the game Mommy Takes a Nap.  Yeah, this one doesn’t go over too well at my house either.

Remember in 2007 or so when I wrote about switching from plastic water bottles to SIGG bottles?

(Links here and here)

Well, guess what?  SIGG has come out and admitted that the liner of their water bottles isn’t BPA (Bisphenol A) free.  Many people, myself included, like to limit their exposure and that of their children to Bisphenol A in their food and drink containers.

SIGG has done just that with their SIGG Bottle liners manufactured after August 2008. The greater issue is that SIGG led people to believe that their water bottles were ALWAYS BPA free. So folks, like me, who wanted to reduce their exposure to BPA bought the bottles.

From now through the end of October, SIGG is offerring a return program whereby you can return your bottles with the old liner and have them replaced with new bottles. Follow the instructions at their website. You will have to pay to ship your bottles back to them.

We have 10 SIGG bottles that I will be sending back for my own peace of mind. But I still feel annoyed at the company for lying about the BPA in the first place.

Today I made a new rule at our house.  No television on school nights, at all.  I’ll say up front that I am not a fan of television at all.  It really does not hold my interest and I find the noise in the background distracting.  I always find it funny when people say that they turn the tv on for background noise because they hate the complete quiet of the house when no one is home.  Because I revel in the silence.

I had been allowing the kids to turn the tv on when they were done with their homework, but I noticed that this was causing a couple of problems.  Namely kids who were rushing through their work so that they could be the first one to get the remote, or kids who “forgot” that they had homework until it was almost bedtime, or kids who were actually doing their homework but were distracted by the tv in the background.  So now the simple rule is no tv during the week.  It certainly makes my job easier as there is no negotiating.

Does anyone else restrict tv viewing during the week?  Do you give out tv hours as rewards for chores or grades?  I was thinking of doing something like that for my younger children, but not exactly sure how I would implement it.  And what do you do when the weekend comes?  Is it a tv viewing free-for-all?

Have you heard about the great trade in event? 

Toys R Us and Babies R Us are having an event from now through September 20th where you can bring any of your used baby gear into the store to recieve 20% off of a new item.  Cribs, strollers, car seats high chairs,etc are all eligible.   The hope is that many of the unsafe baby items will be traded in and put out of use.  Car seats all have expiration dates on them on, but how many are still being used because they were passed down through friends and family.

I have been wanting to buy my daughter a new booster seat and being able to get an additonal 20% off by turning in her old seat is the incentive I need to actually go out and do it.