We have all heard the old adage, “Winners never quit, Quitters never win.”
But does this apply to our kids and their activities? What is the point where we will allow them to quit something that they signed up for that maybe is not going the way that they imagined it. Do you make your children push through and continue the activity? Or do you allow them to quit?
I had one friend, a long time ago– I have been at this parenting things for awhile, who let her children quit activities all the time. In fact, it was more than norm than the anomaly. There were countless times that we signed our children up for activities together and say that we were going to carpool only to have them drop out a couple weeks later. It was annoying to all involved.
On the other hand I also have known people who forced their children to do an activity that weren’t happy with for YEARS before finally allowing them to quit. Surely there has to be a balance somewhere between these two extremes. However, finding that balance can be tricky.
For the most part our family rule has been that if you make a commitment you follow it through. Though most of our commitments are short lived. So a 6 week long science course at the nature center that I paid good money for? You will go to all six weeks and make the best of it. Even if it has turned out to be boring. You wanted to play a sport? Well you have made a commitment to the team and you will remain on the team and go to practice and games, with a good attitude, until the season is over. Decide that you want to take piano lessons but after a few months change your mind? Well, after setting a specific time period for re-evaluation, you may quit.
I think I have achieved a balance that I am happy with between letting the children have a say in their activities and teaching them what it mean to commit to something and follow through, even if they are not thrilled with it. My children might not always be happy about it.
So, what do you think? Are there specific rules in your family regarding activities? Will you allow your child to stop an activity mid session if they are not happy with it?
Ours isn’t old enough that this has become an issue yet, but hubby and I have already discussed it. Our guidelines are pretty much in sync with yours, except we’d allow an evaluation period for sports too.
Comment by Brigitte — July 18, 2009 @ 7:23 am
I pretty much have the same rules as you. It is hard with some things, like, gymnastics that is all year long with no real start and finish. My daughter (7 yrs old) did tell me yesterday that she wanted to quit. When I asked her why, she told me because it got too hard. I explained that was not a good enough answer. She has told me this many times and the next class she is fine, even excited that she has gotten better at the new skill. Same has gone for dance class, but one mention of not getting all dressed up in her costume and missing out performing on stage and she changes her tune. I have a quite a ham on my hands.
I did take my son (3 yrs old) out of his gymnastics class because it was a fight everytime for him to go. He did fine when I was in the class with him, but once he was on his own he just couldn’t follow the directions. I figured it was his age and explained that if he couldn’t go without a fight then he wouldn’t go at all. He doesn’t seem a bit concerned about it at all. He is excited at the prospect of starting karate, but I haven’t looked into it, yet. I am thinking we might need to wait until he is older.
Comment by SoMo — July 18, 2009 @ 3:05 pm
i was just wondering if you could give me some tips on how to puish my kids. they are always rude and i try spanking them but it doesnt work and they just run away from the naughty corner
thanks
audry x
Comment by audry — July 19, 2009 @ 5:59 am
Persist with the naughty corner. If you keep taking them back to do there time eventually they give up and just sit there. It is hard but worth it in the long run
Comment by Naomi — July 19, 2009 @ 6:21 am
The rule for sports and other activities is – if you quit before it is over, you pay. I bought soccer shoes for $20? A mitt cost $15? You pay me back. I always used the tangible items, not registration costs. This shows that if you don’t follow through, you don’t get do have a consequence. Most of our seasons are short lived, though some have been year long (cheer, Karate). Rarely did they quit and pay back, which let me know they had seriously considered the issue before choosing.
It is a fine line between childhood responsibility and childhood happiness. By both letting them make tough choices now with minor consequences will help them when they start making tough choices with major ones.
Comment by Claire — July 19, 2009 @ 10:43 am
We haven’t had any issues yet – my oldest has only played soccer for two seasons and my youngest is only three. However, I would make sure they stick it through if the only problem was that it was boring or their enthusiasm had died down, etc. If it was to the point that my kid was absolutely miserable then I’d re-evaluate.
A balance is so important, like you said. It’s ridiculous to let them quit constantly, but forcing them through years and years of something doesn’t make any sense either.
Comment by sherry — July 19, 2009 @ 1:39 pm
I think I pretty much feel the same way you do, Chris. If they’re on a sports team or another activity where other people are counting on you? You will finish the season/class/whatever. If it’s an indivudual thing where they wanted to try it, then decided they didn’t like it…then they would be allowed to quit that, after an evaluation period. My then 12 year-old daughter had talked about wanting to play drums for a long time. She went to a charter school where there was no band for elementary school, and I couldn’t afford private lessons. When she went to jr high, she was all excited and joined band, playing percussion. Well, by the middle of 8th grade, she was tired of it. I was going to let her quit at the semester break, but the BAND DIRECTOR wouldn’t let her drop it. I was glad he did that. Sometimes, once in a while, it’s nice to have someone else be the bad guy. I get tired of it always being me.
So she finished 8th grade in band, and she didn’t die. Now she’s going to high school, and she will not be taking band. She’s going to try photography.
Comment by Shelley — July 19, 2009 @ 1:43 pm
Before I let my child quit, I would try and get them to stick out a season, help them see the positive, “you’re letting the team down, blah, blah blah”, but…if they were truly unhappy I’d let them quit.
Here’s why…I’ve had jobs in my life where I was truly MISERABLE and I QUIT and found another. Hobbies that I’ve tried and they weren’t my thing. That’s what life is about, testing the water, trying new things, finding out what you love and are good at. Life is too short to waste doing something you don’t like – even if you’re just a kid.
Comment by Nelson's Mama — July 19, 2009 @ 2:37 pm
I am with you. If the kids pick an activity they have to stick with it for the season. The made the commitment and i payed the money. if the do not want to sign up again that is okay they just need to find somthing else to do. we feel that active kids are good kids
Comment by tammy — July 19, 2009 @ 3:29 pm
Yup, same deal here. As long as there isn’t something actually wrong with the activity (you know, like daily beatings or it turning out that diving headfirst onto concrete was an activity), they stick out the season/class/session.
However, we’ve had a few things that weren’t time limited. If they expressed a desire to stop, my husband and I would talk about when the next payment point was, the cost of the accessories as someone noted above and present some sort of compromise — part of the deal was “and with what physical activity will you replace this?” When karate was going through a “boring” phase, we allowed as how if they wanted to tell their sensei that they were leaving, they were welcome to do so. Ha. That would only work for shyer kids though, I bet! Karate sort of died a natural death when swimming expanded to fill that time.
Comment by Jen — July 19, 2009 @ 7:48 pm
Everything these days is all about “give it to me now”.. Look at TV.. You have a show come on, then you have 5 mins of advertisments, all shoving something at you, and then back to the TV.. That tells kids “ok i want something, give it to me, or i will go and buy it and have because i saw it, and i want it now”.. I society is seriously materialistic..
Ask any school teacher the general problem is students not being able to focus or concentrate for 15 minutes at a time straight in general classes.
Kids need that awful word NOW more than ever, discipline. YOu choose it, you do it and you finish it.Unless they are getting bullied or being made to feel bad personally, I would agree with other people that say they must finish it. A quiter will quit everything in life thinking its an escape. But its not, its a way to self defeat that you find out when you get to 30 that all these years you were not really doing anything but avoiding work.. Thats not something i want my kids to have to find out.
Comment by Benny R — July 20, 2009 @ 7:45 am
My son, like your kids, has to finish the class or season.
Comment by liz — July 20, 2009 @ 9:55 am
For us once they have signed up and started the activity they must finish it. My 6 year old prissy girl begged to do T-ball this year and then realized it wasn’t her thing, we made her finish the season. She never has to play again but she had to finish what she started. When my now 12 year old “sporty spice” daughter begged to take dance at the age of 4 we let her. She hated it and begged to quit, I reminded her that she had to finish it because I already signed her up then she quickly asked “when are you going to sign me down?!” She finished the year and even did a recital, but hasn’t stepped one foot in a dance studio since.
Comment by Tiffany — July 20, 2009 @ 11:27 am
I pretty much have the same philosophy as you, although my son is much younger so it hasn’t been an issue yet.
I’d also say I’d take the kid’s personality into consideration. If it’s a kid who usually sticks with things but tries something and really hates it I’d be more likely to let them quit than one who wants to quit anything that gets too hard.
Comment by Alice@Supratentorial — July 20, 2009 @ 11:28 am
Our rules are similar to yours. There have been a couple time, when the kids were younger, that we (well, I) signed them up for something that I thought they would like, but then clearly didn’t for whatever reason. In these cases, when the decision was more mine than theirs (or I at least knew they did not fully understand what this was all about – which makes it my mistake, not theirs), I’ve let them quit. I’ve seen several parents force a kids into an activity they clearly do not want to do, (and based on their age, probably did not choose to do) and it is ugly and painful to watch!
Comment by Wendy — July 20, 2009 @ 11:49 am
I agree with your theory entirely and that is how it has played out here.
The tryouts and making the team thing are most important to me.
If they took a spot from another kid who wanted to play – they MUST finish the season. Luckily it hasn’t happened much … and Alice you are right too – only once I agreed to sign Youngest Son up for Boy Scouts. It was something I just knew wasn’t really for him – once he discovered I was right (again) I let him drop it!
Comment by PamS — July 20, 2009 @ 5:37 pm
I am torn here. I have a 17 year old who was allowed to quit gymnastics at 7, and she has been kicking herself for years about it. She was forced to stay in swimming for 5 years, going from a poor swimmer to a proficient one. Now that she is about to graduate from High School, she laments not being great at anything, and I regret having let her quit those sports as well as not try hard enough at her academics and music studies. I think parents should make children stay in activities, especially when the child doesn’t express an interest in anything. They will be mad at the time, but it is nothing compared to the despair later when they can’t do anything.
Comment by angie — July 21, 2009 @ 9:38 pm
If we sign our kids up for an activity, they are expected to complete it no matter how boring it ends up being or how disinterested they are in it. Once that duration is up, they can never sign up for it again if that is their wish. It’s about commitment to the group. We also expect them to finish things they have started and be fairly pleasant about it and not make everyone else miserable as well.
There are exceptions at times… they are few and far, far between and always are a specialized circumstance.
Comment by Cindy — July 24, 2009 @ 11:10 am