I had an incident with one of my sons a couple weeks ago where my son was being somewhat rude to his coach. Rude in that he wasn’t paying attention and was being a jokester. Just really being an all around pain in the butt. I was on the sidelines watching it all transpire and was tempted to march over there and tell him to knock it off and pay attention, but really that seemed like it was overstepping my boundaries.
After a few minutes of it the coach finally got annoyed and sent him to run a lap.
When practice ended I asked him about it and he felt bad. He thought he was just having fun and didn’t realize he was getting carried away. I gave him a talking to about being respectful and left it at that. With the understanding that if it happened again there would be consequences at home.
I knew he felt contrite because he didn’t ask what the consequences would be. Don’t you love when kids do that? Like they are weighing the consequences against whatever it is they could potentially do wrong. Surely my kids aren’t the only ones who ask.
A few years ago I had a different son who got in trouble during practice, the situation was similar except the child in question was old enough to know better. When he got home I made him write a letter of apology to the coach. Mostly because I did not want the coach to think I condoned this behavior. Youth sports are riddled with parents who think that their children are perfect.
So what do you do if your child gets “in trouble” with a coach or teacher? Do you leave it there? Or do you impose consequences at home also? If you do, what sort of consequences do you impose?
My children have a problem with sitting still and being quiet during church. I understand to a point, but my 6 yr old has been doing this for some time and understands what we expect of her. That doesn’t stop her from annoying her 2.5 yr old brother or causing other disturbances.
One Sunday I had had enough. I marched her up to the priest, after church, and told her to apologize. I explained how it was disrespectful to him, who had put much work and thought into the mass, and others, who were there to listen. I was proud and feeling good, until the priest gave me a wave and told me that it was okay. *sigh* Sometimes I wish the other adults would not be so quick to make everyone feel better and realize that we are trying our best to do what is right. I am assuming you don’t have that problem with coaches.
Comment by SoMo — August 17, 2008 @ 1:03 pm
I never “leave it alone”, if my child/red don’t behave within an acceptable limit. Sure, there will be some limit-testing, some bordom-breaker behavior, and other reasons for less-than-perfect behavior and I give some wiggle room for minor things that my kids correct themselves on.
But, when they take advantage and overstep the line into habit-forming misbehavior…I at least talk to my kids and let them know that I saw (or heard about) it and it was not acceptable. Depending on their age and the severity of their misbehavior, they (at least) lose handipoints for it, may sit in time out or have some natural cosequence.
Here in handipoints, my kids have extracurricular (behavior) charts; blackbelt behavior at tae kwon do, good behavior during parent watch day at dance, and good behavior at scouts. They also have “misc activities” and “special events” on their charts for one-time or occasional things.
Yes, it is hard for a lot of people to correct someone else’s child/ren and there are plenty of parents out their who think their angels do no wrong. I think that it has become increasingly hard to correct other peoples’ kids over the decades and that’s a scary thing. We need to back-up the adults who are responsible for our kids’ at other times, when they are with them. I take any chance I get to let the other adults know that it’s ok to correct my child (in an acceptable way lol).
Comment by Anonymous — August 17, 2008 @ 8:49 pm
My daughter is still just 3 and in part-time preschool, but I ask the staff on a regular basis about her behavior – if she’s starting to slide into unacceptable habits, I want to hear about it.
Though her only consequences right now are a talking-to. Seeing as how even that sends her fleeing to her room to hide in her closet, I figure it’s enough!
Comment by Brigitte — August 18, 2008 @ 7:02 am
My boys (14yo and twins that are almost 13) get punished at school, sports, etc. they also are punished at home…..no, we don’t beat them but they lose privileges at home also…makes them think twice before they do it again that is for sure.
Comment by debanden — August 23, 2008 @ 9:20 pm
my 2 girls fight constantly and to the point where i normally blow up and scream at them, ive learnt from this and the oldest (who is 7 and a half) gets a set of lines ie i must not hit, kick etc and i make her write about 20-30 of this before ripping them up in front of her and making her put them in the bin, and tell her you waisted my time ive waisted yours…
the youngest (who is 4 and a half) i tend to put her into her room, and she does come back with an apology, but the lines are too much for her to write just now as she has just started school and the most she can write is her own name…
i also make sure that they loose out on the weekends events – for example today we were supposed to be going to see a friends baby puppies and due to their behaviour all week they lost out on it…
ive tried many tactics over the years and being a single parent, i can only take so much of them “ruling the roost” and the lines have worked everytime since…
Comment by karen — August 24, 2008 @ 8:30 am
The best advice I have for parents is to understand that children can only succeed with the help of their parent(s). You can’t expect a small child to behave like an older child. Smaller children in need of food, naps, etc. cannot be held accountable when adults expect them to skip a nap, lunch, etc because of what the parent has in mind. Expectations should be age and temperment appropriate … not parent or situation appropriate.
With that said, children who are given opportunities to succeed .. will. Show your children by example. Explain what is expected of them beforehand. Realize what your child is capable of before making plans. Don’t expect your children to behave in a fairy-tale manner if they don’t normally. Give them chances to prove themselves in a manner which you know they are capable. Catch your kids in good behavoir and acknowledge it. Take time to show your kids by example.
Certain behavoirs (hitting, kicking, biting) should never be acceptable in any situation. When you tell a child that it’s not acceptable from the get-go, and follow through with a time-out and an apology … they should get it. If parent(s) don’t follow through each time with a time-out and apology. It’s only when you give in and dont’ follow through that the behavior continues.
When at last your children show that they are capable of what is expected of them … keep those expections going, and build on them. It’s only when they’ve prove time and again that they can do it, that you can finally say that “that’s not acceptable and there will be consequences” when they don’t.
Love your kids, LISTEN TO THEM when they speak, and respect them as children (not little adults), and give them the opportunity to succeed. It’s then that they will behave and respect you … and you will have family harmony.
Comment by Mommyof3 — August 24, 2008 @ 8:11 pm
I live with the trial and error method. We have set ground rules with our children. Our children know that if the fail at a task, there will be a punishment. That punishment does not always come from my husband and I. Sometimes it is a C on a assignment, and sometimes is a scratch on the arm. I would like to believe that when it comes to situations that they will always put their best foot forward. However, when they fail to put their foot forward that I can guide the back to the right path. Do I think every situation is the same? No, it is not. My children can behave like wild people at one situation, and angels the next time at the exact same situation. They are little humans with feelings. Their behaviors are learned, the only thing we can do as parents is guide them back to the correct path and HOPE they learn from their mistakes, and correct them. As a parent we do not get manuals for each child(I wish, lol). each child is diffrent and will respond diffrently to any given situation.
Comment by Anonymous — August 27, 2008 @ 9:05 pm
I have had my 10 year old write a letter of apology to her teacher when she hasnt handed in homework or finished said homework as stated. Hopefully, the teacher understands that I do not take my childs education lightly. Children need good examples in order to model their behavior. That aside, who are their friends and what are their parents like?
Comment by cindy — September 7, 2008 @ 1:02 am
It all depends on the age and development of the child. My 14 year old would get a heftier consequence for such an offense than my 6 year old would. However, they do get consequences, ranging from lectures to loss of privileges. I found it important though that once the consequence is met, that the indecent be “forgiven and forgotten”. If he is continually reminded, the child is so worked up about a repeat, mine are doomed to fail. Before the consequence is lifted, we rehearse how the incident could be avoided, and how to get help if they see themselves getting off track, something that they agree they can do (sometimes “telling the coach is not 14 yr old cool”). Having a “plan” has given my children a big advantage to self correction, especially on those occasions when I can’t be there to guide them.
Comment by Claire — October 13, 2008 @ 10:42 pm