I read this post recently on whether or not it is okay to snoop into your tween and teens online activity. At first I will admit that I was put off by the term “snoop” Isn’t that what being a parent is all about? Aren’t we suppose to know exactly what they are doing. But I found myself asking… what is the line? Where do you cross the line?
There are so many more things now than when most of us were growing up. So many other places to “snoop” than in the locked Hello Kitty diary that is kept under the mattress. Which, for the record, I would never snoop into a private, personal diary.
The comment section got me thinking, one person in particular wrote:
I have the right and the technical ability to monitor everything you do on line. Don’t make me do it.
This falls in line with my own thinking. I don’t routinely check up on everything that my kids are doing online, I have the internet fairly well locked up for right now anyway, but I reserve the right to check on any and everything should I be given cause to. I tell my children that they should behave as though I am standing right there next to them. Both online and in real life. If you are going to do something that you know I won’t approve of it would be in your best interest to really consider why you want to do that particular thing.
The more you give us reason to trust you, the more we’ll trust you. The more you give us reason to NOT trust you, the less we’ll trust you.
I say this to my children all the time when I hear cries of “you just don’t trust me!” right after they have been caught doing something untrustworthy. Because clearly the act of me checking up on them is where the problem lies! Right?
As my kids have grown older I have come to realize that it is easier to start out stricter and loosen the reigns, than to try and tighten them up after the fact.
What about you? How do you feel about snooping into your children’s online activity and cell phone records. Is it snooping, or is it part of your job as a parent?
I was talking to a Mum recently on the very same subject. Her comments were from a friend of hers who said that I bet the mother’s of teens who have suicided wished that they had’ve snooped a long time ago. There are so many internet and peer pressures like never before. I think if the children know in advance that you retain that right, it is a protective measure, not one to embarrass them. Something to think about.
Comment by Rebecca — May 20, 2009 @ 1:24 am
In the old days, I would have said NO, unless you are given just cause (like sudden squinky eyes and aimless behavior from a previously good student).
But now with internet predators and “sexting”, I may let paranoia over-ride that. We’re still a few years away from it, but I fear for our little girlie. I think I better start the “pretend mommy is ALWAYS watching you” thing now!
Comment by Brigitte — May 20, 2009 @ 6:01 am
I have to admit that I used to “snoop” into my teens’ activities. Then I wondered why they would snoop into my room and through my belongings! I was teaching them to be sneaky!
Now I have learned that as long as they are using all these priveledged items that I have paid for then I have the responsibility to make sure that they are using them correctly.
I know all my kids’ passwords and if and only if they give me reason to. Then when I am going to check their stuff I do an unannounced inspection with them.
I think the accountability reminds them to stay on the straight and narrow just like I know I must with man’s law or with God’s law. The police don’t bang on my door and inspect my house to see if I am a drug dealer. Only if I give them probable cause do they search my house and not without serving a search warrant first.
Great post. Thank you for the reminder to remain a trainer and not an enforcer!
Comment by Ronee — May 20, 2009 @ 6:25 pm
It is well within my business to check on what my kids are doing online. As far as I’m concerned its public to the world so therefor its public to me. Furthermore, they will NEVER have a personal computer in their room. As far as cell phone records, again it is my business. If I don’t recognize a number it will be called by me or my husband to find out who it is. It is my job to keep my kids safe as before the age of 17 the child’s brain is physically incapable of accurately predicting their consequences for their actions. Kids think they are invincible. It is my job as a parent to snoop. My house, my rules. If you don’t like it at the age of 18 then move out. But I’ll feel better I did everything possible to protect them and groom them into productive adults in society. Hope that makes sense.
Comment by Tabatha — May 21, 2009 @ 11:05 am
I agree- once it is online- whether via email, chat, blog, etc…it is public to everyone and “everyone” includes me. Our kids don’t have cell phones but we live in an area where almost anywhere we need to call is long distance so I get a record of pretty much every phone call made from our phone. I do check phone numbers on the bill and question any I don’t recognize.
Comment by Michelle — May 22, 2009 @ 8:59 am
I guess it boils down to the first quote you had “I have the right and technical ability… don’t make me use it.”
If and when there is reason to monitor or “snoop” into my 15yr son, we do. This is whether it is in his room, on the phone, talking to teachers, and, yes, even online. To date, the only time he puts up a stink is when he has done wrong: online gaming after hours, not turning in assignments, and such. We always explain that he gave us reason to investigate, whether it is being overly tired or not seeing grades recently.
In short, when I snoop, I tell him I love him. I am looking out to be sure he is living to the best of his abilities. If he does not, I will use my best abilities to find out why. It’s all part of mom raising responsible people.
Comment by Claire — May 22, 2009 @ 11:45 am
Hi,
On the “snooping” article…you are right about the word, “Snooping.” If you are parent, then I don’t think the word is appropriate. Not at all. I do it. but not habitually. If I sense that my child (oh sorry 17 year old), the 9 and 11 year olds I don’t feel the need to “check up” on them, is acting aloof, secretive, too busy to have much normal conversation, or holed up in his room longer than is normal for “wanting regular private time,” then when he’s gone (and provided the other kids don’t see me doing it), I will “check up” on him. It isn’t “snooping” and it isn’t wrong. You are very right to question the word. We are parents and we MUST know the real story as to what types of interactions, events are shaping our children. We are adults we can handle anything surprising and put those things in context. We were as young as them at one time, and we are making sure that there are no “red flags” so to speak, “fires brewing” etc., It’s our job.
Comment by chrissylong — May 22, 2009 @ 6:41 pm
“before the age of 17 the child’s brain is physically incapable of accurately predicting their consequences for their actions.” I dont belive that is quite true my kid knows the consiquences of doing anything bad online and I have never told him what it would be. Sorry if I am being rude
Comment by Jordan — May 23, 2009 @ 3:51 am
Try having a good relationship with your teen. Then you won’t need to resort to snooping. Just a thought.
Comment by Moon Howler — June 2, 2009 @ 10:43 am
I am not a parent but I am a young adult and I absolutely believe in looking into your teens rooms, phones and internet. The house I grew up in didn’t have a computer or cell phones so there wasn’t as much for us kids to get into trouble with but there were still bad influences for us. My mom always believed in our rooms as a private place as long as we were acting like ourselves and didn’t act like we were hiding something on her. If we were she would search our room and find it. I am thankful for my mom for this. It really helped me to stay out of trouble and for me to have a backbone against peer pressure and bad influencing people. It is perfectly alright for mom’s and dad’s to “snoop” on their kids. They will thank you later in life for it.
Comment by Amber — July 30, 2009 @ 1:41 pm