In the NYT this week there was a question about what children should call their parent’s friends or their friend’s parents. Is showing respect for your elders by calling them formal titles a thing of the past? Is it stuffy and outdated?
I know this seems to be somewhat regional also. You would be hard pressed where I live to find anyone using the terms “sir” or “ma’am,” yet I know that my southern friends insist on having their children say it. Also the only people I know who go by Ms. Firstname are preschool teachers.
This is a tough one I think. When I was a younger parent with younger children it seemed natural that my children and my friend’s children would call me by my first name. I was not at all comfortable being alled Mrs. ANYTHING. That made me feel old. It also seemed too formal for the relationship. Not to mention confusing to the children who were just learning how to talk.
But now that I have older children, I think calling people Mr and Mrs shows a sign of respect. There are still people the kids call by first names, but in general they are very close family friends that woould almost count as relatives. Parents of friends, coaches, co-workers of ours, neighbors… all of them are called by Mr and Mrs (or Ms.) Lastname.
What about in your family? What do your children use? What do you prefer to be called?
I just wanted to comment on the question about what my family uses to address family friends and other adults. When I was growing up in my culture, close family friends were refered to as Aunty or Uncle. But now being in the USA, my children refer to close family friends as Mr. or Mrs. It is very strange, but I have followed what the culture up here does. It is a very interesting topic to discuss.
Comment by Giselle — June 24, 2008 @ 10:07 am
We’ve always raised our kids to address others as Mr., Mrs., etc…We’ve had just a few friends that were not particularly fond of it, so we allow them to call them by Mr. Firstname, or sometimes Aunt, Uncle. It’s all about the respect thing for us. We haven’t found it to be too formal for the close relationships though. Many of our friends feel the opposite. Unfortunately, they don’t get called Mr. or Mrs. much, and especially not by children. So, it’s rather endearing to them. This isn’t something that is commonly practiced around here.
As for the “sir” and “ma’am” thing, it’s not common around here either. However, we practice it out of respect also. My husband and I were not raised to speak that way, so it’s been an adjustment for us too. We’ve found that it’s helped even us keep a mindset of being respectful to others. It’s funny but I think the thing that made it stick with all of us, was watching Little House on the Prairie.
My kids watched the whole series a few years ago, and ever since then it has been commonplace in our family.
So, all that to say, personally, I think that it’s a respectful thing to do. And, honestly, respect for others, especially those older than ourselves, is something that tends to fall to the wayside these days.
Comment by Nicki — June 24, 2008 @ 10:47 am
My child calls my friends by their first names. We are pretty laid back here and they would feel odd being called Mr or Mrs. The only time I would have them call them Mr. or Mrs. is if they were a teacher or had authority over them. I even allow her to call our Pastor by his first name.
Comment by Cassandra — June 24, 2008 @ 12:31 pm
We use Ms. or Mr. and first name unless it’s a teacher.
For myself, adults can’t even say my last name without butchering it. So it’s just easier and still respectful in my opinion.
It also gives the adult the option to say they would rather not have the title in front and just call them by their first name if they want to.
Comment by Sasha — June 24, 2008 @ 2:20 pm
I actually have really been enjoying southern politeness conventions since we moved to Georgia — the children use both “sir” and “ma’am” with regularity, and anyone we (the parents) call by first name becomes Miss/Mr. Firstname to the kids. Everyone else is Ms./Mr. Lastname.
Comment by Mir — June 24, 2008 @ 3:10 pm
This discussion has come up a lot in my life lately. We have told our kids to call everyone Aunt, Uncle, Mrs. __ or Mr. I also think it is a form of respect. I have sisters that don’t think the same and it is hard for me to see the opposite side–of calling people by their first name. I’m interested to know.
Comment by Mindy — June 24, 2008 @ 6:09 pm
My husband & his brother had a business that employeed many Haitian employees who called me “Mizzicher.” Many times I would ask them to please call me Kathy, response was “Yes, ma’am, Mizzicher.” Turns out they were calling me Mrs. Richard.
My two favorite oldest nephews call us by our first names; four favorite nieces & two favorite youngest nephews call us Aunt (pronounces ANT) Kathy & Uncle Richard. Two nieces tried the AWNT pronunciation; I put a stop to that immediately. Now that some of them are acquiring spouses I have asked the spouses to use our first names only.
My pilot nephew is known as “Captain Lastname” when he flies in his full-time job and he calls his passengers Mr., Mrs. or Ms. unless there are more than two names, then they are ma’am & sir. In the Air Nat’l Guard he considers himself a “flyboy” and all the guys (and gals) are on a first-name basis, even the enlisted personnel use first names with most of the pilot officers.
Comment by Kathy from NJ — June 24, 2008 @ 6:31 pm
I teach my daughter to use Mrs./Mr. I think only a couple people have told her to use their first name instead. I don’t ever hear sir/ma’am around here, except maybe from a cashier, maybe it’s regional.
I personally don’t have a preference as to what kids call me, so my daughter’s poor little preschool friends alternate between my first name and “Mrs. G—-’s Mom” (they can’t remember my last name).
Comment by Brigitte — June 25, 2008 @ 7:06 am
I have been thinking about this just this week actually…I grew up in New England, and we didn’t address anyone as Miss/Mr. Firstname. Ever. But now I live in Virginia and it seems to be fairly common. It sounds odd to me though, and while I have tried to teach my 3-y.o. to do that, I usually forget just call the other adult by their first name. So we are going back to what I can remember with Mrs/Mr. Lastname unless its for close friends like you said–they are just Firstname. It is definitely a regional thing!
Comment by Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck — June 25, 2008 @ 10:00 am
Being from Georgia I grew up using sir and Ma’am. My kids do it. Any of our close friends are just called by their first name, but anybody else, especially an older person, is called Mrs. or Mr. Firstname. Even me and my husband call an older acquaintance by Mrs. Firstname out of respect. You would be shocked at how many people have commented on my older son’s manners. I guess it’s just not as common as it used to be. Now at home, the 13 yr. old’s manners have alot to be desired, but out in public they are good.
Comment by peepnroosmom — June 28, 2008 @ 8:53 pm
I grew up calling adults Mr. Firstname, Ms, Firstname (family friends) and Mr. Lastname and Mrs. Lastname for other adults. Close family friends were called Aunt or Uncle. My 11 yo daughter is being brought up that same way. My 16 yo son (who lives with his father) is brought up different at his house but knows when he is here to refer to adults that way. We live in MA and this is a weird thing to people. It has thrown a lot of people off when my daughter refers to them first as Mr. or Mrs. Lastname then with their ok Mr. or Ms. Firstname.
I get aggravated with people in my family that allow their children to call me by my first name only. I gently correct my nieces or nephews that I am Auntie/Aunt Lawauna. My dh and I get in to disagreement because he refers to an Uncle of mine by his first name and I correct him (gently) and tell him “It is Uncle Jimmy.”
A big pet peeve of mine is children calling their parents by name. (Actually my ex husband has done this with his mother for as long as I can remember).
Comment by Lawauna — July 15, 2008 @ 8:45 am
My husband and I were also not taught to talk this way (MR. or Miss firstname) and so it is hard for us to teach our kids this, but we want them to do it as a respect issue. We are trying hard to do it ourselves, but it takes work and time.
Comment by chrisi829 — July 18, 2008 @ 2:28 pm