The prevailing parenting wisdom of our time is that children should be punished by using things like time-outs and rewarded with praise. All of the so-called experts recommend this approach. It pretty much sums up the way parent. I ignore a lot of things, one could argue withholding my affection, set consequences for unwanted behavior when there are no natural consequences, and lavishly praise when it is deserved.
In an article in the New York Times, author Alfie Kohn asserts that by withholding love and praise when a child does something wrong is conditional parenting, i.e. I only love you when you are doing what I want you to do. The primary message of all types of conditional parenting is that children must earn a parent’s love.
Hmmm, I never thought about it that way. And, for the record, I am not sure that I buy it anyway.
I do respect Alfie kohn and loved his book Punished By Rewards, the theme of which is that doing a job well should be its own reward. Isn’t that something that our mother’s used to say to us? But nowadays children are rewarded at every turn and there is compelling evidence that shows the more you reward someone for their behavior the less likely they are to perform when there isn’t a reward. Our children have become conditioned to expect a prize for doing things that they should be doing anyway. And while I can rant on and on about this, removing perceived rewards from everyday parenting is pretty near impossible, at least for me.
His latest article in the NY Times is just another variation of this theme. It has given me a lot to think about, not that time outs are leaving our home anytime soon. Neither are the consequences imposed for bad grades or rude behavior. The article points out that while children raised this way (most children?) are more compliant and obedient as children they grow up to like their parents less. Ouch! Isn’t that one of those things you secretly fear? Though honestly I want my children to respect me, to love me, to one day understand where I was coming from, but I don’t have any real desire to be their friend.
One of the rules in our home is no phone calls or texting after 10:00pm. It seems absurdly reasonable to me. Not so to my teenagers who think it is none of my business. We go around and around with the same dialog every few days. They tell me how mean I am. I tell them the reasons for my decision. They reiterate how mean I am. I threaten to show them exactly what mean is, MISTER. They roll their eyes. I remind them who pays the bills. It is loads of fun, you should try it in your own home.
I wonder what Alfie Kohn would say about it.
I preface this with the acknowledgement that my kids are younger, at ages 9 and 4.
In that article, Alfie sure does not address what to do when the recommended Autonomy Support (explain your reason, involve them in the decision, etc) does not result in agreement and respectful compliance. Most of the time it still leaves me wanting to tear out my hair and drink copious amounts of adult beverages.
Comment by Ani — September 25, 2009 @ 1:24 pm
This is slightly off topic, but how do you handle kids who interrupt? I find that I am constantly reminding my children not to interrupt me when I am talking or their siblings when they are trying to say something. There are only two children in my house and sometimes all the talking makes it so no one can hear what the other is saying? How do you handle that with more children and children of varying ages like in your home?
Comment by Sharon — September 25, 2009 @ 2:29 pm
you tell your kids that you are the nice parent because we do not allow phone calls after 8 and our kids 12 and 13 do not have cell phones so no texting either. i am the real mean mom just ask my kids
i also agree that i am not here to be their friend i am here to be their mom and help them to grow into healthy happy adults that may someday look back and say that i was a good mom
Comment by tammy — September 25, 2009 @ 3:40 pm
So . . the kids who were beaten with a strap behind the woodshed end up liking their parents MORE? I think Alfie is basing his theories on some flawed statistics, there.
Comment by Brigitte — September 26, 2009 @ 6:54 am
I have three children, and the “discuss and decide” method is out the window in this house. If I spent time for every offense to have them explain themselves I would never get past breakfast. We have rules, they know the rules, when they are broken there is a penalty. No discussion. No negotiation. I have seen the kids of too many “nice” parents allowing their children run the house, a responsibility no child can handle, leaving the family in chaos. What works best for us is firm rules and consequences. I have often heard the “I hate You!” and “Your mean!” song many a time. I am old enough and wise enough to know they do not mean it, but simply venting and looking for a reaction. At the end of the day, telling them that they are always loved, even if what they did was wrong, along with a great big hug usually get them to understand that when we know they are trying hard to do their best, and so are we.
Comment by Claire — September 27, 2009 @ 4:23 pm